The Five People You Meet at Music Festivals

March 18, 2012 3 comments

The weather is getting warmer, and with summer’s rapid approach, it means that festival season is almost upon us. Let me preface by saying that every festival has it’s own feel and unique style. But whether it’s Bonnaroo, Coachella, Buku Project, or Global Dance, you’re bound to stumble across some pretty goofy characters. People-watching is an event almost as important as the shows themselves. Over the years, I have noticed some recurring trends in festival-goers throughout the years. Here are the top 5 people that you are likely to meet at a music festival this summer:

1. The Bro
Welcome to Brochella, bro! The bro looks put together when he absolutely shouldn’t. He got his GTL on when everyone else is camping out in squalor. The bro just did a whole bunch of pushups before heading to the LMFAO show. He’s get his cutoff tee-shirt on and just pounded a couple of PBR’s (maybe Beer 30), and he’s ready to fucking RAGE! If you’re a girl, the bro is great for free booze. But don’t hang out too long, and under no circumstances should you leave your drink unattended! If you’re a guy and you’re not a bro, don’t worry… they don’t want you hangin out with them anyway. But they might have some good looking girls hanging around that you can creep on. The bro is a vital part of any festival, but try to avoid them in big crowds. They’re pretty obnoxious.

2. The Hippie
Share the love brah! This patchouli-infused granola-eater is probably wearing tye-dye and has dreadlocks or a soul patch. He may not smell great, but you’ll know soon enough when he goes in for the hug. The hippie can strike up a conversation with anybody within a 200 foot radius… and will. Likely an entrepreneur, this concert-goer will have anything from glass to goji berries on hand for sale, but you should catch him before the show because afterwards he will be way too stoned for business transactions. As strange as this person is, he is also the most entertaining fan at the show. He’s got a book of dance moves and enough energy to get any crowd hyped up. They might have cool light-up toys and/or hula hoops, and there’s a good chance that they bump into you while in the groove. Don’t worry, though, they definitely don’t mean any harm. Be nice to them and they might even puff puff pass to you and your crew. Warning: don’t accept any baked goods.

The video I wanted to play pretty much sums it all up. But alas, it’s from a South Park episode and is heavily copyrighted, so I can’t embed it in this article (damn commies). Click right here to see the video. You won’t be disappointed. Crunchy grooves brah!

3. The Hipster Chick
The hipster chick is too cool for school. That’s probably why she dropped out of Brown after one semester. No one knows how the hipster chick gets her funds for shows (daddy?), but she never fails to make an appearance. You’ll find her at the smallest stages and in the back corners of the crowd. It’s not that she listens to bad music, it’s just that we’re all sick of hearing how we’re 6 months behind in discovering the band and no one wants to talk to her about it. If it’s summer, she’s probably half-naked. If it’s cold, she’s got on earmuffs. There is a bonus to having the hipster around though… you can always bum a menthol. Her footwear is absurd and her attitude is obscene, but it can’t be denied that this chick is a festival staple. Don’t snub her, she was into this shit back when it was still underground. Seriously, give her a break! She probably rode her bike to the festival.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his mouth on the pizza?
A: He ate it before it was cool.

4. The Overdosed Rave Guy
He may not be capable of speech, but man does he have some SWEET dance moves! Disclaimer: The guy we’re talking about is not good for anything but entertainment value. There are definitely ravers that rage hard on drugs and can still handle their shit, but this dude lost all semblance of consciousness hours ago. Complete ego death! He probably shouldn’t have taken that last tab or dip (or both). His friends are nowhere to be found, but he doesn’t realize that he’s alone. He’s rockin’ out like it’s his own private circus. Don’t worry too much about interacting with him. You’ll see him around, but just smile and nod and keep on keepin’ on. He won’t know the difference anyway. The first guy to have a real conversation with “Too Many Drugs Guy” will be security when they wake him up on the lawn the next morning (or the doctor in the ER when comes to).

5. The Obsessive Fan
This guy/girl wears the wristband for the festie all year round… it’s a status symbol. Kandi covered since 2009, this person has no idea whether they still even have wrists. You know exactly who I’m talking about. They blow up your newsfeed on a daily basis. There are thousands of pictures and comments. Hey obsessive fan girl… stop abusing the vowels. The rest of us need to use an “o” every now and then, too. We know you’re sooooooooooooo excited about Lollapalooza, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior. When at the festival itself, the obsessive fan can be useful. They’ve got their schedule planned to a tee, and tattooed on their forehead. You probably won’t see them, though. They are in the front row crying. Also, be weary of striking up conversations with them. Festie conversation-starters like “Hey, have you seen these guys before?” will only end up with a play-by-play of their time spent on the band’s tour-bus outside Topeka, Kansas.

Obviously, the characters on this list are slightly exaggerated, but some variation of these 5 festival-goers dot the landscape of any American music festival. We want to hear about your craziest encounters with patrons of music festivals! Write in and tell us which of these 5 get underneath your skin or make your festival experience more magical. Are there caricatures we are leaving out?

MJF does not endorse or encourage the use of illegal drugs. Look out for one another out there.