Drunk Bloggin On A Wednesday: 2/29/2012

March 1, 2012 12 comments

Bauce Sauce Mugshot

Hey Junkfoodies,

It’s your favorite’s rapper’s favorite blogger’s favorite Twitterer aka the worst blogger at MJF, Bauce Sauce. I’m back with the second rendition of Drunk Bloggin On A Wednesday. After seeing how ALL MY FRIENDS BE WRITIIINNNGGGG, I’ve been pushed to the breaking point. I needed to drunk blog again. For those unfamiliar, the idea of this post is that I get inebriated then stream of conscious type whatever pops into my alcohol-soaked brain. It’s the blog equivalent of freestyling, I suppose… but not keystyling because that shit is hella lame (though my best friend is actually the 38th best text battler of all time #FLEXSENTENCE).

Alcohol consumed: 6-pack of Dig (Spring Seasonal of Fat Tire), 5 Shots of Svedka

Tiny Baby Vaginas

Louis CK: Tiny Baby Vagina

I had a daughter two week ago and my life has changed, overall/long-term for the better. However, as a new dad I’m getting to the point where I’m changing 6-8 diapers a day and having to wipe her little baby butthole and tiny baby vagina. I feel very uncomfortable wiping her tiny baby vagina because all my life the very idea of touching a vagina has caused me to move mountains because I want to penetrate it.. Now, I’m wiping one and my whole belief system has been uprooted. It’s my daughter. I feel weird looking at it. I feel weird cleaning it. I feel weird in general. However, that’s half the problem…

How do I know that she has a cute tiny baby vagina that will grow up to be a cute teenage/adult woman vagina?

I mean… I can look at it and tell it isn’t a Jr. Roast Beef from Arby’s… but I don’t want her to have a weird looking vagina. She’ll be ridiculed and ostracized! She’ll be gossiped about! She might even be Tumblr’d about!!!! Not that I can do much about it now since it’s genetics, but that’s a logical fear. The next fear is “Why am I worrying about her vagina aesthetics when no guy should see it until she’s married?” FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to worry about boys trying to look at her vagina and defiling her. I am scared shitless. How do I make her downplay her beauty whilst being nerdy/smart so that guys want to have relations with her but stay away from her for as long as possible? Should she only be allowed to wear clothes made from hemp? Should I get her involved in Math so the nerdy kids are too scared to talk to her LET ALONE SEXT HER!?!?!!? Any readers out there have teenaged children? I would love to get some perspective.

Bacardi Party

Bacardi Party

Rappers: Stop Rhyming Bacardi with Party. I can’t stand lazy rhyming. This rhyme scheme has been happening since the 1800’s. It’s such an easy, go-to rhyme, but you are better than this. Also, while you are at it unimaginative rapper, stop rhyming “cutie” with “booty,” “maybe” with “crazy,” and “bottle” with “model.” Seriously, put some fucking effort into what you are rapping or sining. Stop taking the easy road. There are exactly one dozen more rhyme pairs that I want rappers to stop using. However, I shall defer to the crazed urban poet, Charles Hamilton, to skewer these talentless mongoloids using clever satire.

Also, why has no other liquor company followed suit with a name that also rhymes with “party” or some other synonym of “party?” I can see it now: “Thousand bitches at my shindig/We drinking Chinwig’s” or “Nothing but Star Gaze at my soirees.” BTW: I just bought those trademarks. Thanks Legal Zoom!

Beef Jerky

Homemade Jerky

I’ve been making my own beef jerky (see above picture) the past two weeks because A) It’s fucking delicious and B) It’s cheaper that way and C) I know I’m not eating beef taint and bovine dick sinew because I get to pick out the cut of meat myself. I’ve made a couple batches now and I wanted to crowdsource some feeeback.

Suggestions for flavors? I’ve made Teriyaki Sriracha, Raspberry Chipotle and Blackberry Jalapeno. I’m looking for what the next crazy flavor combo I should try. Also, if I got good enough at this and wanted to sell it. What should my company name be? I was thinking “Circle Jerky” but apparently that name has already been taken (though I’m not sure if they have trademarked the name… perhaps I could poach it?).

XXL Freshman List

I posted this a day or so ago, and this shit is seriously laughable minus like three artists. MJF went hard in the paint in our super top secret Facebook group Bat Cave to come up with our own top 10 so be on the look out for that. After having a some introspection time to mull over these choices, here are my thoughts:

  1. What the fuck is a Kid Ink?
  2. Why hasn’t Hopsin already bashed Iggy Azaela’s head in with that cinder block?
  3. What is wrong with us as a human race?
  4. Becoming a buzz-worthy rapper only requires you pursue it full-time, apparently.
  5. Talent is not mandatory.
  6. Gimmicks always work.
  7. Be a snowbunny.

I believe our good friend Speak! penned it best when he tweeted:

I truly feel that with each year the selections become worse. Danny Brown are definitely the most deserving out of all the whack pieces of shit (Don Trip excluded) that were selected. BUT, Danny has numerous projects under his belt so can he really be considered a “freshman?” Fresh man, perhaps but not a freshman. STYLE!

The biggest problem with the “Freshman List” is that there is no guideline for what constitutes a “Freshman” or the picks. I believe it’s designed that way, because in the end it’s about getting people to talk and selling magazines.

The Part Where I Passed Out

What Did We Learn This Week?
Some time around 2:00 am I passed out while writing this. I actually woke up this morning with the laptop still on my lap and a headache… To finish up this post. I went out and chugged two tallboys from the gas station during my lunch break… I’m now back to inebriation.

MJF The Mafia That’s Word to Little Trees

Little Trees

Man I love my team, man I love my team
I would die for these bloggas Awwwwwwwhhhhh

I really feel like MJF is the best music blog site on the Interwebz. We aren’t always the first to post something, but I believe the collective musical tastes of our writers and the impeccable insight of El Jefe himself make this a great place to be. Our people make the difference and I think you fans appreciate that. I mean just look at the quality editorials that have generated discussion (isn’t that what a blog is supposed to do?):

  1. A Good Ass Question: Can Blog Stars Become Real Stars?
  2. Odd Future Needs To Get Back To The Music
  3. The R. Kelly & Mr. Biggs Saga: One of the Greatest Soap Operas of All-Time
  4. BJ the Chicago Kid – Pineapple Now & Laters (REVIEW)
  5. Sleigh Bells – Reign of Terror (REVIEW)
  6. Estelle – All of Me (REVIEW)
  7. Decoding Jadakiss & Styles P’s “We Gon Make It

That’s just within the last two weeks. We also have a deep catalog of entertaining pieces as well. Just peruse through the Flex and Review categories. By clicking those links, be prepared to say “Goodbye!” to your productivity.

Overall, this is a great place to be and I look forward to serving up mostly junkfood to your Internet strangers for years to come. This week it’s the floors, next week it’s the fries. I just realized this post had almost nothing to do with music…

I’m going to leave you with this insightful aphorism my grandfather once told me:

“Surround yourself with winners, because that’s what winners do.”

Bauce Sauce