An Open Letter To Kanye

January 3, 2013 18 comments


Dear Yeezy,

How. Could. You.

We’ve been together for about ten years now, one of the longest relationships I’ve ever been in—musically, mentally, emotionally. You and Kim have been together maybe 1/9th of that time. For me, this isn’t about attraction or affection, (nor your love or attention) this is about commitment.

Do you think Kim even listened to you when your mouth was wired shut????????? I wonder what Kim’s favorite Kanye song is? Probably the one you “wrote” for her because she doesn’t give a fug about anyone but herself. (Note: I did a quick google search of Kim’s favorite music and found this list of her Top 10 Workout Songs and you didn’t make the cut, Ye—you’re all up in mine though, well you…used to be)

Was Kim crying with you when you performed “Hey Mama” at the Grammys? I had anxiety the whole day at the sheer assumption that you were probably going to perform that song live shortly after your sweet mama passed.

Did she wait in anticipation like clockwork every single Friday for the Good Friday song to drop? Running home from the bars to listen as soon as the link was tweeted? She probably can’t name one song from the bunch. Did she skip class to pick up MBDTF when it came out? Probably not, because Kim is stupid and she didn’t go to college.

I guarantee Kim wasn’t standing by you after the Taylor fiasco, I was even a little annoyed at Beyoncé (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, SORRY B) for letting Taylor give a speech. But Kanye, I still think you were right!

People judged you for wearing a kilt, and they’re still talking about it, I EVEN SUPPORTED YOU FOR WEARING A KILT A MERE 8 HOURS BEFORE YOU ANNOUNCED THIS SHIT. I did however, tell the total strangers I was defending your honor to, that my biggest issue with you is your current love.

We’ve had our ups & downs. The second worst thing you ever did to me (knocking Kim up is 1) was randomly giving up on the KANYE UNIVERSECITY BLOG, that one still hurts, but I’m typically quick to forgive you. For example, when 808s & Heartbreak first came out I was all, what is this? But after a million listens I fucking love that album. A return strain on whatever “this” is happens when you feature Lil Wayne on a song (he’s not there so much anymore), but it’s resolved by a simple skip in my iTunes—AND ALL IS FORGIVEN, but this…

Everyone knew Amber Rose was just a phase. And to everyone in the world it’s obvious that your type of woman is equal parts vapid, curvaceous, and I’m assuming submissive (you also mention dykes a lot, never figured that one out). We get it, you like POWER but listen you were supposed to break up with Kim like next month if we were going by my plan for you.

Do you even realize why she’s dating you? Why you were chosen by her? It’s because your name starts with a K and she decided to make the switch back from athletes to musicians. The whole ATHLETE thing didn’t go very well for her but I can think of one profession that’s had significant influence in boosting her career.

Oh right. THAT SEX TAPE WITH RAY-J, a “musician.” ughhhhhh Kanye. I know you’re into fame and money and diamonds and glamour and everything, but this is the worst shit you could have possibly done to us.

I tried to listen to my favorite song, “All Falls Down,” the other day and I couldn’t even get through it because you bother me now. For the first time ever. EVER.

And if I feel this way, I can’t even imagine how your big brother Jay-Z feels, there is no way he thinks anything of Kim. Blue Ivy isn’t even going to be allowed to hang out with your future baby because Blue likes her privacy and your baby has already agreed to be on reality television (okay fine, both sides are being reported but let me predict). So, that arranged marriage is already out of question. Blue Ivy deserves better than Kardashian spawn, even if it is half you. Maybe you can have playdates with Wiz and Amber’s baby though!

I’m hoping my distaste for your music isn’t long lasting, because I already miss us. But trust; I already know I’m not the only one feeling this way. So next time you decide to plant your seed, can you please make sure it’s in someone cool like Jennifer Lawrence?

You Deserve Better.


I won’t judge you if you leave her after the baby is born…I mean.